I married late. All the while I thought I would just remain
single ... a happy, accomplished, single woman. Free and independent. I only
have myself to look after. No worries.
When I got pregnant
and got married (exactly in that order, which should not be), I guessed I
knew what I got into. Or at least in my mind. But everything I heard from
others’ life stories, books I’ve read and advices I've heard, were not even an
inch enough of what it really is.
Remember this?
I have heard these a million times. It was just one of those
statements to me, until I became a mother.
Unconditional love
Never quite understood I was capable to give such kind of
love. Yes, I am a self-centered, egocentric person. I would always think what good
things I can possibly get before I do a favourable act. I do things to please
myself, regardless what others would say. Hey, this is my life. I would run it
at how I want it. I would sleep late, whenever, or how long I want, never mind
if I skip meals. I would spend my money to buy the latest designer shoes or
bags or dress, to satisfy myself. I would go out occasionally with friends, and
while away the time, enjoying and doing nothing productive. All the while, justifying
that I worked hard all week, I deserve some bonus. But that was before.
When I got pregnant, I had to let go a lot of things. I
stopped drinking colas, stopped facial and hair treatments with chemicals that
may harm the baby. I would now sleep early because staying up late is not
healthy for the baby. For some, it might be easy. But for me, it was a big
sacrifice. A big change in my spending habit also came. Instead of going out
with friends, I would rather stay home. I was saving money to buy things for
the baby. Instead of designer things, I would rather choose a not-so-famous
brand, and the money I save, I would buy things for the baby....Everything I
spend should always be thought twice. If I don’t really need it, I would not
buy it.
This I did - not because I have to, but because I want to. Nobody
forced me. Right from the start, I was so willing to give up unnecessary things
just for my child. This is how I understand unconditional love.
Motherhood
I was in my early 30s when I became a mother. I thought I
was mature enough. I thought I was ready. But even how much you read, learn, or
research about what motherhood is all about, there are some things you really
do not know what to do. I would cry when my baby
cried and I don’t know why he is crying. It is also at this point in my life
when I became closer to my Creator. My faith was far greater this time, leaving
everything at His Hands. When there are uncertainties in life, I had nowhere to
go but to Him. Before, I would say like a song – Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be). But now, I
cannot afford to say that because I have a little one who needs me. I need to
be up and healthy all the time, to be able to take care of my kid. Even after I
gave birth, I refrain from drinking alcohol, smoking (yes I smoked before), eating
too much junk foods (yes, occasionally I still do but only a bite or two). I started
eating vegetables and living a healthy lifestyle. Not only because I want to be
healthy, but because I want to set as a good example to my kid.
I can just
relate so much with this. Before, I thought I had OCPD (Obssessive-Compulsive Personality
Disorder). I boast of having a high attention
to detail. In my room, everything has a place. I know if somebody took
something from my room just at looking at the arrangement of things. But having
a baby who is now a toddler, I have learned to accept things as they are. I am
still keen to cleanliness but I allow mess from time to time. I don’t want my
son to grow up and become a certified OCPD. What is important now is to teach
him the importance of cleanliness, in order to be healthy, prevent sickness and
accidents. I teach him the art of organizing his things, so he may become
responsible and does not need to ask all the time where to find what.
Vocation
Motherhood is a vocation. Not everyone is
privileged to become a mother. I am thankful I was given this privilege. All
the sacrifices, hard work and even pain during labor, I would definitely go
through it, knowing I have a child to see through it all. Despite all the wrong turns from time to time,
I am not complaining. The joy of being a
mother is incomparable.
