My little angel

Its exactly 5 years ago today when I lost my little angel...Yes, 5 years is such a long time but the memory is still clear.

I came back from Manila that Tuesday morning in 2009, after several days of work. I proceeded to our Cebu office and everything was perfectly fine. After office, my husband and my then 1-yr-8-month old son came to pick me up. We had dinner at a nearby restaurant before we went back home. When we arrived home, I went to the toilet to pee. But to my horror, there was blood. I got scared. I panicked. I cried. My husband had to lift me up and rushed me to the hospital.

I already knew I was pregnant 5 weeks after conception and was confirmed through home pregnancy test. It was a welcomed pregnancy and just right on time. My son would be 2 by the time the baby would be born. I started taking the vitamins and Anmum which I took during my first pregnancy. I was confident everything was okay.

I planned to have my first prenatal check up when I came back from Manila. By then the baby would be 2 months old. But our angel was not for us. At around 8pm that day, the ER doctor informed me she can no longer save the baby, as she was already out. I used "she" as we were hoping for a baby daughter this time. I was hysterical inside the ER. I cried so hard, I could hardly breathe. I blamed myself. I was not able to take good care of our baby and that was why this happened. I blamed my work. If I did not travel, maybe the baby would still be alive.

The next day, my OB informed me that she would perform D&C as my bleeding still did not stop. I did not care anymore. I was numbed. The following days were terrible. My mind would not stop thinking how and where I did wrong. My conscience was killing me. We dedicated a mass for our little angle and I prayed so hard until my heart was aching, hoping she would forgive me.  

Up to this day, I still would wonder if our baby was alive, she would have been 4 years old, going 5 this October. How would she look? When I go shopping for clothes for my son, I would sometimes pass by the girls section and wish I would buy clothes for her too.  I never got pregnant after. It was my decision. I would not let anything like that happen again. I was scarred for a lifetime.

Even until now, tears would start falling when I think of her, even as I write this blog. I know she is there for a reason. And she is constantly watching over us. I constantly pray that eventually I would forgive myself.